Why can't we be friends?

Submission from Natasha.

Dear Winnie Cooper,

When I was growing up I was only allowed to watch 30 minutes of television a day. We never chose Wonder Years. There was this awesome show on for a while called Mulligrubs about these big aliens that kind of looked like Grimace only green, and we often watched that. So you are like a total mystery to me, or possibly an enigma. I like your hair though. It's really long.

Also, I'm not gay or anything, so maybe we could just be friends? (You touch your friends in the pants too, right? Good).

So did you find Kevin Arnold as annoying as I did? Now that we're friends we should go find him and beat him up together. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he narrated it too?!... like, "Winnie and some killer-hot chick I've never met before are running at me with breeze blocks. Ow." Ha ha.

Anyway if you don't want to be friends or whatever then that's cool, maybe you could just shave your head and send me the hair? I could make it into a kick-arse wig and wear it around and stuff. That would be so awesome.

Love,
Natasha

Winnie Cooper 101.

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Love Me...Winnie Cooper

Alright lovers. It is time for the second installment of Love Me letters. This time it’s none other than Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. We all remember the quintessential girl-next door and her on-again off-again relationship with that unvarying butthead Kevin Arnold.

Again the letters should be directed to Winnie the character not Danica McKellar the actress. Though given how she looks like now and the fact that she has a bit of a brain on her (she is a published mathematician and author of High School Math text books) you will be forgiven if you write to her. Picture bellow - God may not exist but there are women...

Letters can be as long or short as you like but should emphasise your love for Winnie, be that in a fan way, loving admirer or a proposal for a loving life partnership. Be as personal as you like, as referential, heartfelt, sad, funny or all of the above. But let it come from the heart (extra points this time for those willing to convince Winnie of a three-way with themselves and Kevin, Paul Pfieffer or Becky Slater).

peace.
nat.

Goodbye Winnie Cooper

Submission from Nat.

Winnie

I am not sure exactly what prompted me to write you or exactly what the purpose of this letter is. I don’t think it’s so much of a love letter as it is a confessional. Or maybe a goodbye?

I have thought about you a lot over the years. I am sure I am not alone in this. The characters and events throughout our childhood and teen years never really seem to leave our thoughts. It’s funny because we all like to say how the drama of childhood is, now in hindsight, insignificant. But it is the theatre of these events that we continue to relive for the rest of our lives.

The reality is, I know very little about you Winnie. And I don’t mean in the “do you ever REALLY KNOW somebody else” kind of way. I mean despite your looks, the look of you in knee-high-socks, sweater and sports-skirt for that cute attainable girl-next-door look and your relationship with Kevin I can’t recall too much else.

However, when I think of you Winnies I feel…this is harder than I thought. I feel warm when I think of you. Yes, warm. Vivid Warmness!

Then why do I (and so many other men of my age who grew up watching you) have such strong affections for someone who we have never really known?

I know you and Kevin did not end up together. I remember him saying that you wrote to each other every week for eight years after high school when you went away to Europe to study. He got married but you guys never let go, did you?

Perhaps that is where the answer lies. Why hang on to something, which in reality, will turn out to be nothing?

The things we invest so much in we are so afraid to let go of. Is that because we define ourselves by these things and without them we have no sense of self? Or is it more crass, where we never really want to admit we were ever wrong or misguided and continue to invest in such things even though, deep in our hearts, we know they are lost causes.

In this way, these childhood indulgences act as our anchors. They give us the steadying purpose to get to know ourselves, explore without danger and stray with the comfort we know who we are and where we belong. But like the sea, the world moves around us and we eventually find ourselves in uncharted waters and can’t recognise who or where we are and realise that the anchor is an illusion of safety and stability.

I think for me and Kevin and the countless of other boys out there, you were our anchor. You were someone to pin our affections to. Someone to aim our romantic thoughts of true love and “forever love” at. Winnie Cooper was the idea of that “one” relationship that will eventually be fulfilled and out love vindicated.

But that is not real anymore, is it? It was a fantasy that served its purpose. However, now, rather than acting as a lifeboat of security and safety through which I explore the world and other relationships, it has become a rock. The type of rock that doesn’t keep you grounded but sinks you below the surface, keeps you from soaring with joy and excitement from love, newness and possibilities. Kevin eventually let go of you and got married. Its time I went and found my very own “Winnie Cooper”.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am cutting anchor, Winnie. It was childhood and imagination and nothing more. I am sad to let you go and frightened about the future without Winnie Cooper as my compass in it. But I know I have no future with you in it.

Thanks for the memories.

Goodbye

Nat

Karate Kid II: Journey To Okinawa

The much awaited submission from Mel. All is now right with the world.

Dear Daniel,

You were just a kid, weren’t you? You seemed so much older back then as I gazed up at the big screen, squirming on the cracked vinyl seats at Forest Hill (yet to bloom into a strangely lame Chase) cinema. I thought your main problem was your inability to recognise your own latent talents. It was your movie, the film saw in you what you didn’t yet see in yourself, and we never doubted you’d make it. You just needed to discover that you were the best around. The Karate Kid.

But now I realise how young and small you really were. Those Cobra Kai dudes were ridiculously large and beefy; you could hardly call them ‘kids’, yet you beat them anyway. It feels so wrong, so paedophilic, to caress your beardless, peachy face with my eyes. But love’s always a little twisted, isn’t it?

I’ve gotta say, I liked you best in Karate Kid II. (You were so whingey in Karate Kid III — and growing out of your Kidness.) I just want to digress a little here and say how glad I am that your movies never had lame subtitles like Karate Kid II: Journey To Okinawa. I don’t know that I can crush on someone whose movies have such pretentious titles.

Anyway. You took some time in Okinawa to start your journey towards Karate Manhood. This time there was blood on your face in the climactic showdown. WHY DID THOSE OKINAWANS JUST STAND THERE? I would have leapt across that lantern-filled gulf for you, Daniel – the water couldn’t have been more than a couple of feet deep. I wouldn’t have passed out cold from a single blow like that chick did. I wouldn’t have wimped out like her and toasted your victory over Okinawan brutality with a chaste, snuggly hug. I would have kissed you and tasted your blood.

Plus, ‘Glory Of Love’, the theme from that movie, was co-written by Peter Cetera. It was nominated for an Oscar, and rightly so. Yacht Rock and you — my two smooth loves in one glorious roll of celluloid.

Love,

Mel.

The Love Generator.

Possibly the laziest submission from Adam (NYC) courtesy of a computer love letter generator at http://www.crazyhoroscopes.com/. Its Gold! Puts you humans to shame...

My dearest Daniel LaRusso,

I trust you are well my darling.

My dearest darling love. I really want you to know that I love you with all my heart.

What human being would not appreciate those fabulous brown eyes of yours which reminds me of the bark of a tree. (By bark I mean the outer coating and not a dog's bark. Just thought I'd clear that up)

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I just can't just help but admire and love your gorgeous brown hair, which sometimes reminds me of a bird nest (only without the eggs and chicks)

You know how much we love going to the cinema together. I think its fantastic that we can share a movie together, although I sometimes have to laugh when you start snorting and laughing out loud every time someone says the word "bush" or "wood". Its also funny to watch you slurp your drink, chew your popcorn out loud, and talk through out the movie, annoying the rest of the movie go-ers in the process.

I can't remember if I've already told you this but I really do love your legs. Its such a turn on to look at and its one of the many reasons I love being with you my love. Sometimes I wish I could do nothing but stare at your legs all day, but I'm not sure that's a good idea my love, as people will probably think I'm some kind of nut case and I might get taken away by the men in white coats.

Anyhow my love, I must bring this letter to an end now. But I must tell you something. I've always wondered what you would look like in PVC underwear. I really think you would be the hottest thing on this planet in PVC underwear and you could easily overthrow any model out there! If you wear those for me, I promise to worship you and treat you like royalty (Just so long as you don't make me clean your toenails with a toothbrush! I draw the line there).

My love grows stronger with every beat of my heart!

With all my heart,

Simon

oxoxo

Karate Kid in Haikus

Submission from Ed and Nat.

A boy has no dad

Desire and dreams aplenty

No friends to protect

Blond and popular

Impressionable young mind

Sensei pulls the strings

Elizabeth Shue.

Cheerleader and curly hair,

Captures Daniels heart






A fancy dress dance.

A shower costume hides him.

Old man fights Cobra's

A truce is now sought.

Cobra Sensei, no mercy.

Dan now left in peace.

Karate’s meaning

For your self-defense only

Miyagi Mantra

Household chores for Dan

Wisdom in Miyagis ways

Wax on and wax off.

Day of truth arrives

A stolen black belt is sought

Three points and you win

He’s the best around

No one's gonna keep him down.

Montage of the wins.

Bodybag called for.

The contents shall be Daniels.

Out of commission.

He has proven strength.

Doubts and regrets plague Dans mind.

Old man magic hands.

Bitter man says sweep.

Aryian youth will obey.

Daniel wails away.

Only one leg left,

The crane, one chance, no defense.

Blonde, broken nose. Blood.

Glory and respect

Is his, as will be the girl.

Miyagi content.